Sometimes I wish I could control what is going on in my head.  At church today I sat there thinking “why am I here?”  To worship God and have fellowship I hear you all cry out – well yes, but aren’t there better ways?  To start with the fellowship at church is at the end over a quick coffee with those who don’t rush straight out and head home.  The rest of the two hours everyone is facing forward in rows and not interacting at all.  I did worship God, and felt close to Him today.  Throughout the service though as I looked around I could see that everyone was really enjoying themselves.  I knew that at the end most would be saying “wasn’t that a good service?” before rushing out to begin another week, until they return here again the following Sunday.  Twenty minutes into the forty minute sermon I had totally shut off.  My 8 year old was sitting with us, as he hasn’t wanted to go into childrens church for the past month or so, partly I think because of the structure, but also because of his own special educational needs.  He was bored.  The structure doesn’t work .

Today was another day when I got frustrated.  Why is it only the chosen few are asked to come and pray up front? Why are only a chosen few considered to be worthy enough to be involved in various church ministries and thus called “lay leadership”?   It’s ok, I don’t have an issue with leaders I’ve been one alongside my husband for years.  I’m happy to lead, and I’m happy to be led.  What disturbs me is that by only picking a few to come and pray, give words of encouragement, run church ministries etc, the church is sending out a “you’re not spiritual enough” message to the rest of the congregation.  Some of you might disagree, but I’ve known too many people now that get that “we’ve been asked to be home group leaders, run the alpha, do the intercessions etc.” glow around them once they are asked, that silently says “it’s ok, we’ve made it, we’re good enough now.”  It’s that whole hierachy thing.  What saddens me even more is that most people are really happy with church, they think they are in the community, that they are in a missional church.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just banging my head against a wall, and I’d love to be in a space with more like minded thinkers.  At the same time I find myself questionning these days whether all of this is just me, as generally most seem so happy.  Am I really a Christian?  Is God with me in this?  I love God and all I want to do is honour Him and serve Him, but am I really going astray with my thinking?  My relationship with God is good, as with most of us it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse.  I believe He has taken me on this journey.  I think He is wanting new wine skins.  Anyone else feel like this?