Life

9 Oct

Back in February I had a miscarriage. The baby was due this month and had I gone full term I would now be holding my little bundle – and of course feeling a lot more tired! I’ve been reflecting a lot recently about how the miscarriage has affected me. To be honest, I’ve been surprised at how emotional I’ve felt at times given the fact that we weren’t actively trying for a baby.

One thing I’ve really noticed is how many pregnant women I seem to have suddenly been surrounded by. To be honest, it’s almost like a smack in the face. I know of five friends who are all due this month. Being around and hearing about these newborns is not going to be easy. I have a new empathy for those who are childless and have suffered miscarriages (not wanting to offend anyone here). I obviously will never fully understand their grief as I do have children, but I do understand the feeling of anticipated new life, having this excitement, this joy, and then having it shattered. I do grieve for this life, this part of me, that was never to be on this earth. I feel like I’m missing out on bringing the baby up as part of our family and wonder if it was a boy or a girl.

I know that things will get easier now the nine months is up. I think I will not get so teary eyed as I have done. I have a part of me, and a part of Jonathan, a part of our immediate family in heaven, whom, I hope to one day meet.

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14 Responses to “Life”

  1. Maria October 9, 2008 at 16:09 #

    Lyn,
    My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and what struck me was how many women had shared that experience. Women of all ages told me of their losses — often much to my surprise, as we had never talked about such issues before. We’re quite a sisterhood. Blessings as you continue to process and grieve…

  2. sonja October 9, 2008 at 21:55 #

    It gets easier … well … no … it’s just that time allows you peace. Or something.

    Like Maria, I lost a pregnancy to miscarriage. There are still times when the grief is sharp, but time has allowed me peace with it. There’s no getting around the difficulty, but there is comfort too.

    Much love to you.

  3. Erin October 9, 2008 at 22:04 #

    I wish you much love and peace right now. Hugs.

  4. lynhallewell October 10, 2008 at 12:23 #

    Thanks Maria. I’m sorry for your loss too.

    I’ve always thought that as women we are pretty open, but maybe we need to open up more?

  5. lynhallewell October 10, 2008 at 12:25 #

    I hear you Sonja – well, I look forward to that peace. We have decided that when we move we will plant a tree in out garden for the baby.

    I’m sorry that you have experienced this loss too.

    love L x

  6. lynhallewell October 10, 2008 at 12:25 #

    Thank you Erin

  7. Heidi October 12, 2008 at 21:47 #

    I think I had a miscarriage between my kids, though at the time I was in denial and thought I had made a mistake (pregnancy tests came out negative but my doc through an examination thought I was getting a false negative but it was too early to do further tests). I’m kinda glad at the time that I thought I’d been wrong even though every fiber of my being felt I was. It was a year later that I allowed myself to consider that I probably was pregnant. I got pregnant with my daughter shortly after that.

    Since I’ll never know, at least not on this side of heaven, I can’t fully grasp how it feels to be in your shoes.

    I pray the sorrow becomes less obvious and that God gives you grace to endure the new babies around you.

  8. Brunettekoala October 12, 2008 at 22:43 #

    Praying for you and your husband lots. I’ve never experienced miscarriage, so not going to try and attempt to say I understand what you are going through.

    But I do work in a pregnancy crisis centre where we do miscarriage support. And I know that the emotions, the thoughts and feelings you describe here are what so many women coming into our centre describe too.

    I guess I say that to say…you’re not alone. And I hope you have space to grieve the loss of something so precious to you.

    I pray for strength and grace as you meet the newborns arriving into the world.

    And I believe you will meet your son/daughter one day.

    Blessings to you.

  9. lynhallewell October 13, 2008 at 19:51 #

    Heidi and BrunetteKoala thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Two of those babies have been born now – a boy and a girl – both look so gorgeous!

    Hugs to you both.

  10. chill24 October 14, 2008 at 01:19 #

    we lost our son at full term…some days it hits harder than others. I’m so sorry you have experienced this.
    May God bless you with more days of Joy than of sorrow. Hugs from Kansas.

  11. lynhallewell October 15, 2008 at 10:47 #

    I’m sorry Calana, I didn’t realize you had experienced this loss. Well, I really can’t imagine what you have gone through. God bless you guys and may you feel His joy and peace too.

  12. Brunettekoala October 18, 2008 at 23:29 #

    Hugs right back to ya!

  13. cindy October 22, 2008 at 14:02 #

    lyn- i remember the month when our miscarried child would have been born. I’m sorry for your loss- again. It’s been 10 years for me, but I still feel the grief- some times more than others. I’m glad you took time to write about yours. A friend of ours had a tree planted in Israel in honor of the baby we lost. It’s still meaningful- I have a little pin in my jewelry box commemorating it. I think the tree is a good idea. Will you feel alright about it if you end up moving from that place?

  14. lynhallewell October 23, 2008 at 07:18 #

    Thanks Cindy. I feel like I’m surrounded by babies at the moment. People who I didn’t even know were pregnant have had babies this month! Right now I think we are planning on moving to a home that we will be at for some time to come, but you’ve given me something to think about – maybe something outside of the home somewhere in a special place?

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