I hope you all had a good Christmas. Sorry I haven’t been around, we’ve been quite busy. To be honest, I’ve enjoyed the computer break! I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting over the past few days. What started it off was a post Erin wrote last Friday called First Breath. In some of this post Erin reflected on the past year and the things that have failed. She also spoke about how she feels like she is breathing after feeling suffocated for so long. The post Erin wrote is beautiful and it contains much more than what I’ve shared here. There was a quote which really hit me as I read Erin’s post which I’ve copied below:
Christmas eve night found me wandering the neighborhood in two feet of snow in my pajamas at 1 AM Crying, no, sobbing and wailing for all that is lost and all that has failed this year. For all the ways I have failed to contribute in meaningful ways to situations beyond my control. For all the ways God has not come through in the sense that my evangelical self would normally believe him to.
Most of my reflection of 2008 is failure and let down. It has been a year which started with much hope, but so much has failed to take off. Not just for us, but also for members of our immediate family too. For many days now, I’ve been standing with Erin on Christmas Eve crying, sobbing and wailing. Maybe you have been there too?
As I have been reflecting, I have come to a realization that I’ve let nine months of my life slip away, almost unnoticed. Every day I’ve been looking towards tomorrow, wondering if that is the day our news will come? If that is the day that everything will change? I’ve spoken before about how I feel like I’ve just been existing. Something in Erin’s post helped nudge me and I literally have let everyday slip by because I’m so focused on tomorrow. It’s like today never was.
God has shown me that I need to live for today, I need to let tomorrow worry about itself. I need to breathe, in and out, in and out. I know winter has just begun, but I feel like spring is upon me. My life is going to change in 2009 whether we go to Canada or not. The fact is I will be moving on from here. I am about to reclaim my life. Sure, like a lot of you, I’m concerned about the economic crisis, but I’m going into 2009 full of hope. God isn’t here to meet my demands. His timing, his will is best. I must allow him to be in control and not try to push him in my ways. Like Erin, I see that dawn is rising, and I’m hopeful that the darkest hour is now over with.
Happy New Year!